I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
