Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
