I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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