you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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