Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
