I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
