i already hear my dad disowning me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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