I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
