im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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