Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
