he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
