gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
