mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
