I'm going to jail i love you
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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