My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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