he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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