The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
