Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
