I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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