Umm I'm too high to move.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
