The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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