His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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