Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
