Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
