I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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