She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
True college students do jello shots in the library
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
