just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
