is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
