I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
