Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
