She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
