she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
