I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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