I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
