I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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