Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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