i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
