My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
