Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
