Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
