I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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