the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
