Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
