I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
