so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
