It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
