I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
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