youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
