I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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