Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm just crazy horny about you
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
